I NEVER CALLED him FATHER

I only have one father and he is dead now...

I called him tito. My mother was insistent that I call him papa but to no avail for her, I stood my ground and called him tito. That was final.



Arnel learned to call him papa and I was always cynical about it.



It was only when he raped me did I ever realize how grateful I was for not calling him papa or daddy. Just imagine, I would have said "wag nyo pong gagawin ito papa.... parang awa nyo na...", instead of "wag po tito.........". Shit! what a day that was....

This Broken Body

I've been sick for a few days...



I have a strong belief that Metro Manila rain has a poisonous effect... I have been soaked in rain in some other places but I never get sick... Here in Manila, it only takes a few drops of rain on my skin to get me bed-ridden for days.



Here's a recollection;



I was down with the flu that day. I was sick in bed. My head was splitting. Mama and Arnel was out... I know it was a sunday because Mama will first go to mass and then to the market. I saw the altar at the staircase and the candles were lit. We light candles for the Virgin Mary only on Sundays. I can see him pacing the corridor. He would pause and look at me. I pretended to be asleep. I can see him looking down at my legs... my ass... I can see him... I can still see him...


I hate him... I will always hate him... and because of him, I have learned to hate.

He went inside my room...
Gagged me...
I felt his dirty hands all over...
His dirty little finger! Shit!!!! Shit Talaga!!!!!
AAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH!
I couldn't do a thing.... I was too weak....
He said he would kill mama when she is asleep...
with mama's heart condition, no one will believe he killed her...
Shit!!!!!!! I should have shouted louder!!!!! Fuck this life!!!
He put his dirty manhood inside me!!!!!! his dirty penis!!!!!!!!
I was saving myself for the man I love....
what would that boy in school think if he knew i was no longer a....
Ah shit! who gives a damn!
My whole body hurts!
I can't tell anyone....


I hate you you PIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you die whereever the fuck you are!!!!!!!!!
WE DON'T NEED YOU AND WE DON'T NEED YOUR MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After that, nothing was ever the same again. He did it again and again. It was my fault. I was weak. I'm still weak. After a few times, I became numb... Stupid son of a bitch even thought I was enjoying it because I was no longer resisting.... He never knew I wanted to kill my self each time he was done with me....

PUTANG INA KA! KUNG NASAAN KA MAN!






....That morning... the Virgin Mary on the altar was looking down on me... and on the beast that was on top of me.... She knows...

Young and Stupid...

When I think about all the things that happened to me in the past, I now recall that it was a few months after my sixteenth birthday, when I first noticed him looking at me in a very odd manner. I really didn't pay much attention to him back then. But now I remember how his neck would stretch high from the dining table of the apartment just to see me stepping out of the shower with only the towel on... Oh how he would look at me from the feet up... this memory makes my stomach turn...

Thus I began...

This is how it's going to be my friend; I will tell you things about me. Things I can't tell to my friends and relatives because it will effect more problems than solutions. The time will come when I can tell my friends and relatives what really transpired for the last 13 years, but for now I have you to say all these... who ever you are... where ever you are...

Coz sometimes, it's better to tell a complete stranger...

I begin here...

...I have been sexually abused by my father (my stepfather actually...) since I was sixteen years old...

It was only when I moved out of the house a couple of years ago did the perversions end...